Evening walk...

I clicked these photos during my walk yesterday evening. It's my usual route, but I don't usually click photos. Most days, I don't even notice the beauty of nature, I'll be walking lost in thought, lost in my own world, in my head. 

Yesterday it was different, as I had picked up a book. And it made all the difference. The book opened my eyes to everything I once considered sacred, the beauty of nature, the beauty of true love, falling in love with the concept of love itself. And I loved it. I felt more alive than I had, in a long time. I felt more connected with myself. I felt I was being my true authentic self. And that was an exhilarating feeling, a sense of freedom, a fearlessness. And that made me see the beauty of everything around me, made me live in the moment, with no thoughts, no worries, no cares of past or future.

These pictures don't do any justice to the real beauty of nature that was there. But this is the least I could do. I want to do the things that I do because I want to do them, not out of compulsion, not to please anyone else, not to prove anything. I want to be just me, be the real me, stripped off of all the demands and expectations of the world around me. 

Lost love (Nashta Pranayam)

 When you lose your love, the pain is unbearable, the heartbreak is so real, you'll feel like you'll never be happy in your life, ever again. I know this, because I've felt this. I also have a lost love. 

I loved Hyderabad. And it was heartbreaking to move to Bangalore, leaving that beautiful city, and everything I loved there, especially my wonderful friends. 

Today, when I looked out the balcony and saw the view which comprised of a mix of a few buildings and some trees, all a little blurred behind a layer of mist, I remembered my Hyderabad. My walks to the local train station, on those chilly mornings, some 15 odd years back. I used to walk, soaking in the cold, imprinting each detail like photographs in my brain, as I wished to store these memories for future. Maybe it was the fear of moving away from that city, and losing all of it some day.

The vegetable vendor surrounded by local women, all of them covered head-to-toe in woolen clothes, giving me weird stares as if to ask: "are you crazy to walk around in this cold, wearing such light clothes?" - how I loved getting those looks! :D 

Feeling extra cold and it getting to my bones when walking beneath that huge tree, and a few dew drops falling on me.

Local laborers and their kids huddled together, outside their tents, around a fire - my heart went out to them.

Today, the morning scene brought back all these memories in a flash. It was indeed a walk along the memory lane. And I think now I know how a person feels when they remember their lost love, after decades. Now, Bangalore has become my home, in spite of all the initial resistance, and I love this city. If I were given a chance to move to Hyderabad now, I don't think I would go there, there's nothing left for me, it's all in the past. But that love, it's still there, my lost love.

Looking back...

Today, something triggered a memory of this blog. I had even forgotten that I had a blog. Life had taken over. 

It was interesting to go through the posts, both published and unfinished drafts, almost like meeting someone for the first time. I wish I could put my arms around her, and comfort her, and tell her there's no need to be so anxious. Life unfolds itself. And change is inevitable. But I'm proud of the way I've held on.

It was a huge rush of nostalgia. My love for Hyderabad, my love for nature, my good old friends, and some comments from some of them. It was sooo good to read them. I felt like an archaeologist who chanced upon an ancient treasure. Only difference is, here it was my brain and memories I was dusting and clearing up. These memories are indeed treasures that had gone beneath the sands of time, and it feels great to gather them back. 

Writing is another part that had been lost in time, due to life and other priorities taking over. I want to get back to writing, not for any purpose, not to prove anything. I remember, it always used to make me feel good, and I think it's an integral part of who I am. I've taken an effort to start reading, and hope to start writing too. Let me re-connect with my true self.

Getting what you like ? Or liking what you got?

It's been a long long time since my blog has been updated. And since it is not for anyone, or any specific purpose other than to clear my head and to just put down my thoughts, even I never bothered. But now, for some time, my head has been full of thoughts, different kind of thoughts. So, here I am, again trying to untangle it.

A quote I really liked and believed in was "Try to get what you like, otherwise, you'll be forced to like what you get!" Don't remember how I came across it, but I always believed in it, when I was younger, and life was full of possibilities. But now, I wonder how much of truth is there in it? You can try with all your might to get what you like. But what if, after you get it you realize that you don't like it anymore. Or it is not what you thought it was. Or even worse, what if it was just the challenge in attaining it that made you want it so badly. And once you've attained it, then there's no challenge and it doesn't look worthy of all the trouble you went through to get it.

And as you grow, as time goes on, your outlook changes, your point of view changes and your priorities change. And then everything changes! And it could mean that, you'll still be forced to like, what you thought you had liked in the first place.

Smile

Yesterday, I was going somewhere with my husband, sitting behind him on the bike. We both were in our own different worlds. He must've been concentrating on the road or must've been thinking of something. And I was busy with my own thoughts. I was in no great mood. I was actually kind of irritated. I saw a kid looking out of the back window of a car, kneeling on the seat. His head was almost outside the car. He looked at me and I looked back. He held my stare and even I did. We kept staring at each other for some time. And then he smiled, a beautiful, innocent smile. Immediately, I felt so happy, I returned his smile. And then they were moving away, and we both kept smiling at each other till we couldn't see each other. This changed my mood, and I became happy again. I still have that kid's smiling face in my mind.

Kid, whoever you are, thanks a ton, for getting me back into a happy mood.

The Purpose of Life... ?

"What's the purpose of life?"

To this, I'm sure most people would say that 'each person has a different purpose in life'. But my question is not what each person's different purpose in life is, my question is, "What is the purpose of life, in general?". If you take the life of an average man, he is born somewhere, some time, to some parents. Then he grows up, and some time during his life, starts working, then gets married, has kids, and dies. This is the life of an average man, and his son and his son and so on. So, what is the purpose of life? People are born everyday, different people. Of-course I agree that no two persons are alike. Each one is unique. And if you go into the details of each person's life, yes, it's different. But, when taken in the broader sense, it's all the same. And, what is the purpose of such a life, such a cycle that goes on and on with just different people?

Missing... but what?

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"
-David Foster Wallace

This is something that I read once going through some quotes site. But this particular quote stayed in my heart. I guess it's 'coz I've felt this feeling. And I often do. Like missing someone I've never met, or missing something, but I can't explain what. I've tried to figure out what it is that I'm missing, some old times? or some old friends? But no. I know for sure that it's not anything or anyone I've ever known. Then, how can I miss it?

I know it doesn't sound logical. But, well, all facts needn't be logical, right? And it's never permanent. It's only for a while. And whenever I feel this, I feel like going for a walk, somewhere nice. Somewhere, there is lots of greenery, maybe under a canopy of trees, a long road, with scarce traffic. Oh, I'd love to go for a walk in some place like that, all by myself. But I never get to do that. I've never found any such place in Bangalore. And then something or other comes up and I get busy, and no time to miss this unknown. :) I forget the feeling itself. Or, maybe, I only push it aside. And maybe, that's why it comes up again. Wish I could find out exactly what it is that I'm missing...

Rain... Mazha... Malai... Maley... Varsham...

Today I woke up even before my alarm went off. I woke up to the sound of rain. It was so much more pleasing than the alarm sound. I generally hate it when I wake up before my alarm goes off, 'coz I just love sleeping. Today, I lay in bed, without opening my eyes, visualizing the wet trees, wet roads, wet buildings, all washed clean. And the water dripping from the tip of the leaves. As I had kept the windows open, I could feel the cool breeze and it brought with it the smell of rain. Ah... I just love that smell..!

That smell took me straight back to my childhood. There was a kind of plant that, after a rain, held water around the tip of its stem, in a slightly jellyish form. In school, when we were in the lower classes, during break, we used to go out and search for this among the grass and bushes, and used to put it in our eyes. It was very cooling and really felt good. Kids used to say all sorts of stories about it. Some said it was bad for the eyes and that you would go blind. Some said it was very good and would improve your vision. I remember going to my father and clarifying these doubts. And then peacefully going outside walking among the trees and grass around our house, collecting these and putting in my eyes, without having to race with other kids. It was nice. :)

I really enjoyed the time I spent with myself. Or rather, the time I spent with nature. And I so miss it. Now, when I look out my window, it's the tar roads, concrete buidings and electric posts. And they are all drenched in rain. Still, its a sad sight, without some greenery.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Yes, exactly that is my question! Why do we do the things that we do? I know, when it comes to work, we do it for a living or to earn money. But, is it something we like doing. Ok, to all those who love their work, go ahead, continue with your work. But all others, why do you do this work, and not something else? And, apart from our work, which pays us, there are lots of other things that we do, which I just wonder why we do. Like, for example, reading the newspaper. Why do people actually read the newspaper? How does it matter what some other country is doing, or who won in some sports, or for that matter, most of what the politicians say? They mostly say something and do something else, so how does it matter. And other things, like going to some party, when you are not in a mood for partying, or when it's some party where you know only the host and no one else and you're sure you're gonna get bored, or even worse, just because host is a relative, whom you don't even like. I know why most of us go, because of social obligations. But why do we have to bother about that? I'm not saying I don't do these things, I do, but I do them only when the other option upsets someone important to me. I'm just wondering, why do we have these social obligations, or social norms.

Well, I know that we can go against these social norms. I've seen such people. And generally they are called weirdos. Isn't it ironic, that those who do what they like to do are called "weirdos" and those who do the things that they don't like to do, just because they want to go by all the rules of the society are called normal people?

I know some people who just do what they like. They just do what they like, (without troubling or creating problems for anyone else). They don't bother about what others might think or say about them. They might sing loudly while walking on the road, if they feel like it. Or just sit and read a book or listen to music if they feel like it, even if they are with somebody else. And they are generally happy, because they don't have to keep complaining about the things that they are forced to do. Because they don't do anything if they don't want to do it. But they are generally very genuine people. So, they never talk behind anyone's back. Whatever they have to say, they say it right on the face, to the concerned person, not to other people. Why are they called weirdos? They are the ones who are normal. I like being with such people. It's when I'm with such people that I'm most comfortable. That's when I don't have to think twice before doing whatever I like doing, 'coz they accept me as I am and don't expect me to behave differently for their sake. Wish I had to deal with only such people. That would definitely make sense of why I do what I do. Thank God, most of my friends belong to this category. :)

Growing up...

"Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol'd buddy... ...let's go exploring!"

This was the words of a Calvin & Hobbes strip. This made me think. When we were kids, we always had so many plans, so many possibilities and the idea of something new always got us excited. I guess it's the same with kids all over the world, in all eras. What happens when we grow up? We are so eager to grow up, to do the many things which are forbidden to us as kids, to live without asking permission for everything, to take control of our lives, to live it the way we want. And once we are grown up, we realize, that our lives are not in our control all the time. Most times it is in our control, but at the crucial times, somebody else has the controls. A still worse situation is when you have the control, but either there are so many constraints that you are, in a way, forced to take a decision that you don't like; or you have no clue which decision to take. You are totally clueless as to which option would take you where. Hmm... now I dont want to talk anymore about decision-making. I've done that already.

I'm just wondering what happened to all our hopes and dreams, that we had when were kids. Where did we loose them? I'm consciously using the term "we" and not "you" or "I". Because, I've been talking to many of my friends and all of them said the same thing. Everyone wishes to get back to those old days; college days, school days... basically childhood or even adolescence.

What a stark difference it is! When we were kids, we had so many things to do, and we never had enough time, with all the classes, homework, exams and what not. Then, we would think that we would do all these when we grow up. And now when we are grown up, we don't even remember half the things. And the other half, doesn't interest us anymore. And for the things that we would like to do, we don't have our friends with us.

And if we are not slogging in our offices, if we happen to get out early, we are bored, there is nothing to do. Imagine what we would do, if one day we didn't have much work and got home early unexpectedly, and there is no power and there is something wrong with the internet connection and the phone is extremely low on charge. Well, I don't know what I would do in such a situation. And I'm sure many of you also would be in the same situation. When we were kids we never used to depend too much on phone or computer to spend time. In fact, spending time was never an issue, only lack of time was the issue. What went wrong? When? Where? Whenever I asked this question to anyone, the answer I got was, "Well, we grew up." I never knew growing up was such a bad thing. :(

Choices... Decisions...

Some people say that our lifes and the course it takes is predetermined. That, it's our "Fate". Well, I dont think so! I think it's the choices we make. Our lifes are formed by the choices and decisions we take. And hence, we are the ones responsible for how our life turns out.

Recently, I read a book, or rather, read the first few pages. From that, I formed a theory. Yes, our lifes are predetermined, to some extent. It's like a set of lines, or like a flowchart/ tree-diagram. For each person, it starts from a single line and wherever choices are to be made, it branches out into the number of options. And when a person takes a decision, he decides to go in that path, leaving all the other paths offered to him by all the other options. And those paths are lost to him forever. One person's entire life, would be a huge diagram, with a lot of branches, going out in different directions. And at the end of one's life, there would be one highlighted path, showing the path actually taken, and all other options and paths, greyed out.

Sometimes I wish I could take a look at the entire diagram of my life, and take decisions knowing the path and the end-result of each option. About some of the decisions/ choices I've taken in the past, I still wonder, 'was that the best option? what would've happened had I taken the other option? where in the world would I have been by now?'

And I keep wondering... and wondering... about all such decisions/ choices... :)

Moments... Memories...

So many things so happen in life, some we can and some we can't explain. We might try to find reasons or explanations to these, but deep down inside, we still know, that these are special to us in some way, some unexplainable way. Some such incidents, some such people, some words spoken in such situations linger in our minds for a very long time, maybe forever. And most such memories bring a hint of a smile to our lips, or a twinkle in our eyes. And some times it is accompanied by a slight pain, a sweet pain.

Most such memories are of chance incidents, things which we had never imagined, or sometimes, stuff that usually happens only in dreams. And it could just be the unreality of it that made us remember it, or as I said earlier, no matter how much we try to find reasons/ explanations, it needn't be found.

And the people who stay in our minds, they could be people we've just met once, and said bye even before we could call them friends. And they'd have lingered in our minds for a long time before we ever thought of trying to contact them, and by then it would have been too late. The phrase "could have been", how sad it sounds...

Some people would be a part of our daily life for long, and we would never find them special or important. But once they are no longer a part of out lives, we realize how special they were to us. And in most cases, we would've lost contact by then (or we think that we dint mean much to them, and hesitate contacting them) and they become a part of our memories, and we miss them - a sweet pain.

But there are some people, who we know are special in some way, right from the start. But for some reason, or due to situations, we lose them. Sometimes we lose them due to some mistake of ours, or theirs, sometimes due to misunderstandings, due to ignorance, due to negligence, due to stupidity and sometimes due to ego clashes. In some cases, we get them back after a period of time, as time is the best healer. But in some cases, we never get them back and they leave a void in our hearts. We are not aware of it all the time. Only when we think of them, and the memories flash through our minds. Then we feel a slight pain, and we become aware of the small void in our hearts, which was formed when they took away a bit of it with them. It still is a wonderful feeling, as it confirms the depth of the happiness or joy that we experienced, during the times we spent with them. Only a heart that can burst into tears, can leap with joy. And I think it's better to live a life with such ups & downs than to live without ever letting your heart feel anything, living in the safe zone. Let your heart feel.

There are some words, sounds, songs, movies, smells, tastes and of-course photos, that trigger a rush of memories, some mixed with a slight pain. But I love it, and I still let my heart feel, to its fullest, 'coz I love life and want to get the most out it, or rather, make the most out of it.

The Beauty of Hyderabad (skies)

These are some of my clicks. This is just the beauty of Hyderabad (or, rather Hyderabad Skies) seen through my eyes. It's a wonderful city, with wonderful people. I love that city, and I've had an amazing time there. Now I'm left with a few photos and a bunch of beautiful memories...

That's not a spot, it's a plane...

In this also, there is a plane...

This is also part of Hyderabad, not some forest... :)

These two photos are the remains of some very happy times... look at the time they were taken... ;)

Soulmate...

Soulmate... what does that mean? Is it just a concept, or is there some truth in it? The first time I gave that term any thought was when I read the book 'Brida', by Paulo Coelho. The main theme, or the concept around which the book is written itself, is 'Soulmate'. For some time after I finished reading that book, I used to firmly believe in the concept. I used to follow Coelho's blog also, to learn more about this. And later started reading up anything I could find, on Soulmates. So, I've come across different theories about Soulmates.

According to one theory, all the souls are essentially part of the 'Soul of the universe'. And this means, one soul can have more than one Soulmate, and they need not be of the opposite gender. In short, it is not necessary that your Soulmate should be your life partner. Your Soulmate can be your life partner, and if it is so, it's like the best thing to happen. But if it is not, still it'll be fine. And it is not necessary that you'll meet your Soulmate in your life, you might, you might not.

According to a slightly different theory (Coelho's), you definitely have one Soulmate, and you'll come across that person sometime in your life, and it is your duty to recognize him/ her as your Soulmate, and start a life with that person. If you don't take the steps necessary to start a life with that person, and you let him/ her go, you'll regret that for the rest of your life. And there are very unlikely chances that you have more than one Soulmate.

Still another theory states that you have lots of Soulmates (as all souls are part of the Soul of the universe) and you keep meeting them. (I find it kind of weird)

And still another theory states that each person's soul is a half, and you have to find the other half and make that person your life partner. (I find it kind of 'fairytale-ish') According to this theory, your life is a search for your Soulmate. (If that's the case, what when you find your Soulmate? Does your life become purposeless after that?)

Well, the more I read about Soulmates, I find more and more conflicting theories. It sure is interesting to read about all these theories, but sometimes I do wish I could find out the truth about this. (Though I do wonder what 'Truth' means when it comes to things like this.)

Relationships

Relationships!!! What complicated stuff! It is something that begins along with your life. You get a bunch of people you call your family/ blood relations. Whether you like it or not, they are your relations and it's up to you whether to maintain those relations, as you go on in life.

But in the initial years these relations define your identity, or it is through these relatives that you are known: "Somebody's son/ daughter", "Somebody's brother/ sister", "(s)he is from that family". For some time, this goes on as your sole identity, and these relatives, the only ones you have.

Then, in the next stage, you discover a new kind of relationship: FRIENDSHIP. This is a completely different kind of relationship; formed out of choice. This is a relationship where you don't have any obligations. No strings attached. You are free to choose your friends. A friendship develops only when there is mutual understanding, mutual trust and develops between people who have the same wavelength. In the childhood days, you start exploring the world with your friends. and you discover a special joy in this new relationship, the joy of being understood perfectly well. These are the people who like the same things you do, have the same sort of doubts that you have, want to do the same sort of things that you want to, and those ones to whom you wont feel any hesitation in pouring your heart out, without the fear of being misunderstood.

Then comes the next stage, time for the most complicated of all relationships: love/ romance/ attraction/ infatuation/ crush... the list of words to describe this relationship is endless. People have come up with many different words, to specifically define each variation of this feeling, still, it goes undefined. It's way too complicated to compress in a few words.

In every phase of life you start new relationships. You don't sacrifice your family when you get friends, but you are ready to sacrifice any other relationship for the sake of love. And usually it is the friendships that suffer the most. 'You cannot ignore your family. They are your family. Whatever you are today is because of them. You owe them so much. You have your obligations.' You are obliged to do certain things for your family. And that goes for the family you start/ build also. But friends? No, they are not demanding. They leave it up to you, to make your choice, to take your decisions. They understand your situation, and never complain. They'll definitely miss you, but they let you be what you want to be, and let you do what you want to do.

But when you have problems in life, problems in your relationships, when your boyfriend/ girlfriend leaves you, it's your friends who will stand by you, help you out, find solutions for you, cheer you up, and help you move on in life; the same friends whom you'd forgotten when you were busy with other relationships.

If you call up an old friend after a long time, may be years later, you get a happy response; they never complain that you dint call earlier. And once you hang up after a long conversation, refreshing old memories, you feel so happy. You feel the same happiness that you've experienced with that person.

What other relationship is there in this world, which is so beautiful, so undemanding and so easy to maintain!