Lost love (Nashta Pranayam)

 When you lose your love, the pain is unbearable, the heartbreak is so real, you'll feel like you'll never be happy in your life, ever again. I know this, because I've felt this. I also have a lost love. 

I loved Hyderabad. And it was heartbreaking to move to Bangalore, leaving that beautiful city, and everything I loved there, especially my wonderful friends. 

Today, when I looked out the balcony and saw the view which comprised of a mix of a few buildings and some trees, all a little blurred behind a layer of mist, I remembered my Hyderabad. My walks to the local train station, on those chilly mornings, some 15 odd years back. I used to walk, soaking in the cold, imprinting each detail like photographs in my brain, as I wished to store these memories for future. Maybe it was the fear of moving away from that city, and losing all of it some day.

The vegetable vendor surrounded by local women, all of them covered head-to-toe in woolen clothes, giving me weird stares as if to ask: "are you crazy to walk around in this cold, wearing such light clothes?" - how I loved getting those looks! :D 

Feeling extra cold and it getting to my bones when walking beneath that huge tree, and a few dew drops falling on me.

Local laborers and their kids huddled together, outside their tents, around a fire - my heart went out to them.

Today, the morning scene brought back all these memories in a flash. It was indeed a walk along the memory lane. And I think now I know how a person feels when they remember their lost love, after decades. Now, Bangalore has become my home, in spite of all the initial resistance, and I love this city. If I were given a chance to move to Hyderabad now, I don't think I would go there, there's nothing left for me, it's all in the past. But that love, it's still there, my lost love.

Looking back...

Today, something triggered a memory of this blog. I had even forgotten that I had a blog. Life had taken over. 

It was interesting to go through the posts, both published and unfinished drafts, almost like meeting someone for the first time. I wish I could put my arms around her, and comfort her, and tell her there's no need to be so anxious. Life unfolds itself. And change is inevitable. But I'm proud of the way I've held on.

It was a huge rush of nostalgia. My love for Hyderabad, my love for nature, my good old friends, and some comments from some of them. It was sooo good to read them. I felt like an archaeologist who chanced upon an ancient treasure. Only difference is, here it was my brain and memories I was dusting and clearing up. These memories are indeed treasures that had gone beneath the sands of time, and it feels great to gather them back. 

Writing is another part that had been lost in time, due to life and other priorities taking over. I want to get back to writing, not for any purpose, not to prove anything. I remember, it always used to make me feel good, and I think it's an integral part of who I am. I've taken an effort to start reading, and hope to start writing too. Let me re-connect with my true self.